Tuesday, January 31, 2006
One few two
Sa airport canteen, umorder ang isang Amerikano;
Kano: Miss, will you please give me one few two.
Tindera: What sir?
Kano: I said one few two.
Tindera: Oh, you want puto!
Kano: Yeah, that's right. Is that how you pronounce it?
Tindera: [Sa loob-loob, tanga,puto lang, pino-few two, few two pa, gagantihan ko nga.] Okey sir, What color do you want? Few-la or Few-ti?
Monday, January 30, 2006
Asia's Sex Lessons
February 2006
Our sex guru likes toe jobs. Anyone else, please raise your feet!
Why do people have foot fetish? I have met some guys who have foot fetishes. It's not as bizarre as you think. After all, anything beautiful is allured at and that includes pretty feet, right? So let me shed some light!
Guys with foot fetish will stare at every detail of a woman's feet—from shoes, heels, to the nail polish, the skin, the candle-like toes, the newly done pedicure.
Now let's go to the kinky side of the story. Guys with foot fetish will make out with a woman's foot any time of the day as if it were his high school girlfriend. I have nothing against it; in fact I'm all for it! Well if you didn't know, giving/receiving a toe job is phenomenal! The first time I tried it, I understood why guys love blowjobs.
I remember when I had my first toe job. The guy took me by surprise when he nibbled my left foot like it was some lollipop! I thought it was amazing how he'd look at me and just munch on my toe. That was so good! Now I know ho
w it feels like to have a protruding part of your body be sucked, licked, played with, and nibbled. To feel the roughness and smoothness of the tongue—what a sense of gratification for my toe! Most of the time it's ignored—but this time it got noticed and pleasured! It just blew my mind.
To those who are reading this and are feeling grossed-out, well, to lick or not to lick is entirely your prerogative but remember this: Conquering a woman's body is not that easy unless you're as good as a male gigolo. But one way of doing so is going where no one has gone before. It will be easier to remember your name and associate it with "the man who gave me a fantastic toe job." Hint!
Now that I've got you almost convinced, these are some things to remember.
1. Giving a toe job is the same as giving a blowjob. Licking, sucking, nibbling, darting, and swirling of the tongue will put her into ecstasy.
2. You can use hot or cold water as enhancers, it's better if the temperature of the tongue compliments the temperature of the foot or toe.
3. You can experiment on creams, syrups, or any additives that you can use to make the toe licking more exciting and enjoyable on your part.
4. Very important! Make sure her feet are clean before you munch on them.
Our sex guru likes toe jobs. Anyone else, please raise your feet!
Why do people have foot fetish? I have met some guys who have foot fetishes. It's not as bizarre as you think. After all, anything beautiful is allured at and that includes pretty feet, right? So let me shed some light!
Guys with foot fetish will stare at every detail of a woman's feet—from shoes, heels, to the nail polish, the skin, the candle-like toes, the newly done pedicure.
Now let's go to the kinky side of the story. Guys with foot fetish will make out with a woman's foot any time of the day as if it were his high school girlfriend. I have nothing against it; in fact I'm all for it! Well if you didn't know, giving/receiving a toe job is phenomenal! The first time I tried it, I understood why guys love blowjobs.
I remember when I had my first toe job. The guy took me by surprise when he nibbled my left foot like it was some lollipop! I thought it was amazing how he'd look at me and just munch on my toe. That was so good! Now I know ho
w it feels like to have a protruding part of your body be sucked, licked, played with, and nibbled. To feel the roughness and smoothness of the tongue—what a sense of gratification for my toe! Most of the time it's ignored—but this time it got noticed and pleasured! It just blew my mind.To those who are reading this and are feeling grossed-out, well, to lick or not to lick is entirely your prerogative but remember this: Conquering a woman's body is not that easy unless you're as good as a male gigolo. But one way of doing so is going where no one has gone before. It will be easier to remember your name and associate it with "the man who gave me a fantastic toe job." Hint!
Now that I've got you almost convinced, these are some things to remember.
1. Giving a toe job is the same as giving a blowjob. Licking, sucking, nibbling, darting, and swirling of the tongue will put her into ecstasy.
2. You can use hot or cold water as enhancers, it's better if the temperature of the tongue compliments the temperature of the foot or toe.
3. You can experiment on creams, syrups, or any additives that you can use to make the toe licking more exciting and enjoyable on your part.
4. Very important! Make sure her feet are clean before you munch on them.
NEED FOR SPEED - Most WanteD
just got a hold of this game... boy, its nice! the engine (realistically) sounds crazy!... cool music background (rock, mostly)... driving was superb... the closest you can get to a tuned and super cars!best of all, you get to drive the best and fastest cars in the world... safely
Wake up to the smell of burnt asphalt as the thrill of illicit street racing permeates the air. From the makers of the hit Need for Speed™ Underground series, Need for Speed™ Most Wanted challenges players to become the most notorious and elusive street racer. Combining illicit street racing and tuner customization with the intensity of strategic police pursuit that surpasses any Hollywood-style chase scene, Need for Speed Most Wanted will be on every gamer's 'must-have' list this holiday season. Out-race rivals, evade cops and exploit hundreds of miles of open road as gamers make their way up the Blacklist. To become the most wanted racer, players must build up their street cred and Rap Sheet with gripping, white knuckle, head-to-head races with the top drivers on the streets, as well as pull daring, evasive moves to out-run and out-fox the cops that patrol the open road. Players can manage their heat or utilize a number of strategic tactics to keep the cops off their tails as they leave their rivals behind to suck their exhaust fumes. Need for Speed Most Wanted also features a variety of the hottest cars that range from tuners to super cars. You can customize your ride to race against any class of vehicles. The streets will be your playground this Fall.
Wake up to the smell of burnt asphalt as the thrill of illicit street racing permeates the air. From the makers of the hit Need for Speed™ Underground series, Need for Speed™ Most Wanted challenges players to become the most notorious and elusive street racer. Combining illicit street racing and tuner customization with the intensity of strategic police pursuit that surpasses any Hollywood-style chase scene, Need for Speed Most Wanted will be on every gamer's 'must-have' list this holiday season. Out-race rivals, evade cops and exploit hundreds of miles of open road as gamers make their way up the Blacklist. To become the most wanted racer, players must build up their street cred and Rap Sheet with gripping, white knuckle, head-to-head races with the top drivers on the streets, as well as pull daring, evasive moves to out-run and out-fox the cops that patrol the open road. Players can manage their heat or utilize a number of strategic tactics to keep the cops off their tails as they leave their rivals behind to suck their exhaust fumes. Need for Speed Most Wanted also features a variety of the hottest cars that range from tuners to super cars. You can customize your ride to race against any class of vehicles. The streets will be your playground this Fall. Friday, January 27, 2006
Three women
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. 
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity? "The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity? "The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Who's Best in Cornering?
hey pepz, who do you think is the best when it comes to cornering?...pick your choice...
italy
indonesia
malaysia
germany
hong kong
china
korea
PHILIPPINES! Two Priests
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane had landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came
walking towards them. Again, she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes?" she asked. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Angela."
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Bored? 15 Choices Instead of Eating
by Susan Woodward for MSN Health & Fitness
Boredom. According to Webster’s, it’s hardly a complicated state of affairs. Boredom is just “the condition of being bored or uninterested.”
But dealing with boredom is not always so simple. It is, after all, an emotion. And just like the way we handle other difficult emotions, the remedy many of us turn to is food.
“When you’re bored, you set out to do something more productive, like eating,” explains George Rapitis, a high-school nutritionist in Michigan. “You’re trying to heal that emotion. But it’s only a temporary fix and it becomes a habit. You start reaching for food every time you’re bored.”
Of course, that action can lead to weight gain and other health problems. So here we offer some suggestions and alternatives to try next ti
me you encounter the doldrums.
1. Stop making excuses. Once you know you engage in unhealthy eating habits to combat boredom, it’s time to look for other types of contentment.
2. Walk the dog. Don’t have a dog? See point 1. Anything physical (preferably in the fresh outdoors) works.
3. Listen to music. “Something like Beethoven,” encourages Rapitis. “It’s satisfying music with lots of notes and it’s very relaxing.”
4. Be creative. Paint, draw, shape clay, sew some beautiful beads…Art and crafts are very enjoyable, and unbeatable emotional outlets, too.
5. Take a bubble bath. “When people are bored they stagnate, there’s really not a lot of joy in what they do,” says Julia Trick, N.D., nutrition director at The Green House spa in Texas. OK, it’s the second part of her comment that explains why you might take a bath! A bubble bath is fun, not to mention restorative and indulgent. Men, this one’s for you, too!
6. Practice deep breathing. You may need expert guidance on how to perfect the technique, but focused breathing could help dissipate your sense of boredom. Best-selling author Dr. Andrew Weil is a big proponent of the power of breath work.
7. Meditate. The transformative effects of meditation are well documented. Again, you may need to research whether Vipassana, T.M., or another form of meditation is the right one for you.
8. Read. Biographies of inspirational people may help best, advises Trick.
9. Drink herbal tea. People often crave stimulants when they’re bored. Sure, caffeine and sugar give you a little lift, but there are better choices, according to Trick. “Cinnamon tea, particularly, has a very good effect on blood sugar,” she says. “You can make a big thermos of it and drink it all day.” She also suggests licorice tea for adrenal support – but not the candy!
10. Balance your body. Speaking of blood sugar, keeping it steady throughout the day by eating smaller, more frequent meals may prevent the onset of boredom before it begins.
11. Repeat an affirmation. Or an inspiring quote. “Write it out and stick it right there on the fridge,” says Trick.
12. Call a friend. Pick up the phone instead of a bag of nasty chips to encourage you out of your funk.
13. Prepare healthy food. For that matter, get excited about food again, Trick says, because maybe it’s food that’s the root of your boredom. “About 75 percent of our calories come from the same old 10 foods. Challenge yourself when you shop for groceries to pick six foods you haven’t tried before, or that you have to learn how to cook,” she suggests.
14. Do housework. OK, it’s near the bottom of the list because really, not many of us enjoy it. Still, there is the satisfaction of having a clean home, and alternative fulfillments are what you’re seeking.
15. Develop a list. In preparation for the next time boredom strikes, write a list of these and/or your own ideas of things to do. “Print it twice and put one list on your cupboard and one on the refrigerator,” recommends registered dietician Rick Hall. “If you don’t have the list, you probably won’t think of something later when you’re bored!”
Boredom. According to Webster’s, it’s hardly a complicated state of affairs. Boredom is just “the condition of being bored or uninterested.”
But dealing with boredom is not always so simple. It is, after all, an emotion. And just like the way we handle other difficult emotions, the remedy many of us turn to is food.
“When you’re bored, you set out to do something more productive, like eating,” explains George Rapitis, a high-school nutritionist in Michigan. “You’re trying to heal that emotion. But it’s only a temporary fix and it becomes a habit. You start reaching for food every time you’re bored.”
Of course, that action can lead to weight gain and other health problems. So here we offer some suggestions and alternatives to try next ti
me you encounter the doldrums.1. Stop making excuses. Once you know you engage in unhealthy eating habits to combat boredom, it’s time to look for other types of contentment.
2. Walk the dog. Don’t have a dog? See point 1. Anything physical (preferably in the fresh outdoors) works.
3. Listen to music. “Something like Beethoven,” encourages Rapitis. “It’s satisfying music with lots of notes and it’s very relaxing.”
4. Be creative. Paint, draw, shape clay, sew some beautiful beads…Art and crafts are very enjoyable, and unbeatable emotional outlets, too.
5. Take a bubble bath. “When people are bored they stagnate, there’s really not a lot of joy in what they do,” says Julia Trick, N.D., nutrition director at The Green House spa in Texas. OK, it’s the second part of her comment that explains why you might take a bath! A bubble bath is fun, not to mention restorative and indulgent. Men, this one’s for you, too!
6. Practice deep breathing. You may need expert guidance on how to perfect the technique, but focused breathing could help dissipate your sense of boredom. Best-selling author Dr. Andrew Weil is a big proponent of the power of breath work.
7. Meditate. The transformative effects of meditation are well documented. Again, you may need to research whether Vipassana, T.M., or another form of meditation is the right one for you.
8. Read. Biographies of inspirational people may help best, advises Trick.
9. Drink herbal tea. People often crave stimulants when they’re bored. Sure, caffeine and sugar give you a little lift, but there are better choices, according to Trick. “Cinnamon tea, particularly, has a very good effect on blood sugar,” she says. “You can make a big thermos of it and drink it all day.” She also suggests licorice tea for adrenal support – but not the candy!
10. Balance your body. Speaking of blood sugar, keeping it steady throughout the day by eating smaller, more frequent meals may prevent the onset of boredom before it begins.
11. Repeat an affirmation. Or an inspiring quote. “Write it out and stick it right there on the fridge,” says Trick.
12. Call a friend. Pick up the phone instead of a bag of nasty chips to encourage you out of your funk.
13. Prepare healthy food. For that matter, get excited about food again, Trick says, because maybe it’s food that’s the root of your boredom. “About 75 percent of our calories come from the same old 10 foods. Challenge yourself when you shop for groceries to pick six foods you haven’t tried before, or that you have to learn how to cook,” she suggests.
14. Do housework. OK, it’s near the bottom of the list because really, not many of us enjoy it. Still, there is the satisfaction of having a clean home, and alternative fulfillments are what you’re seeking.
15. Develop a list. In preparation for the next time boredom strikes, write a list of these and/or your own ideas of things to do. “Print it twice and put one list on your cupboard and one on the refrigerator,” recommends registered dietician Rick Hall. “If you don’t have the list, you probably won’t think of something later when you’re bored!”
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
MORE JOKES....
Patawarin na natin sila!
Isang gabi, naglalakad ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may makita siyang babaeng nasa taas ng gilid nito at magtatangkang magpatiwakal."Huwag", sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae at siya'y bumaba.
Lalaki: Ano bang problema mo't naisipan mong gawin yan?
Babae: Kase, iniwan ako ng boypren ko't sumama sa ibang babae.
Lalaki: Miss, ganyan din ang problema ko pero di ko naisip na magpakamatay.
Babae: So, anong gagawin natin?
Nag-isip sandali ang lalaki at sinabi...
Lalaki: Kung gusto mo, maghiganti tayo sa kanila.
Babae: Paanong paghihiganti?
Lalaki: Alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin... (sabay kindat sa babae na nakuha naman ni babae ang ipinahiwatig na yon). Maya maya'y nasa isang kuwarto na sila ng motel at nangyari na ang di dapat mangyari. Nang makaraos si lalaki, nag sindi siya ng yosi... nang halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi...
Babae: "Maghiganti uli tayo"
Medyo pagod, pero pinagbigyan uli niya ang request ni babae. Nang makaraos uli, nag sindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa kalahati pa lang ang yosi nang...
Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo!
Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil sa hiling, muling pinagbigyan niya si babae. Muling nakaraos ang dalawa. Nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Unang hithit palang niya ay...
Babae: Ganti ulit tayo...
Talagang lupaypay na si manoy niya pero para huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan niya ang kahilingan ni babae. Pagkatapos kumuha siya ng yosi. Sisindihan pa lang nang biglang...
Babae: Ganti ulit tayo...
Lalaki: "PUCHA NAMAN! PATAWARIN NA NATIN SILA!!!!
Monday, January 23, 2006
Break Your Date With Death
7 Ways to avoid your end
by Jim Gorman, Men's Health; Illustration by Gary Taxali
You're being stalked.
Not by some obsessive ex, who keys your car one day and sends X-rated e-mails the next. Uh-uh, worse. This creep dresses in long black robes and carries around some kind of sharpened farm implement. Goes by the nickname "The Grim One." Says he's dying to meet you. Has you scheduled in his BlackBerry.
We advise blowing him off.
Turns out His Grimness sometimes makes it quite clear when—and where—he prefers to collect his corpses. When we analyzed mortality stats and delved into databases about the various and untimely ways young men die, patterns emerged that tip the Reaper's hand.
No, you can't live forever, but by knowing—and avoiding—some of the deadliest times and places in a man's life, you just might be late for your own funeral.
Monday, 8:30 a.m.
Meet: Your house
Death toll: 3,651 heart-attack victims (Unless otherwise indicated, all death totals are for men ages 25 to 44, during the most recent year for which data are available.)
Some men make their Monday-morning commute in an ambulance instead of an Audi. After reviewing the hospital records of nearly 5,600 heart-attack patients, German researchers observed that the risk of a heart attack is 33 percent higher on Monday than on any other day, possibly because of the stress of starting the work week. And in a separate study published in Circulation, the deadliest time slot on Monday was found to be the first three hours after waking. Why the arterial mayhem in the a.m.? Richard Stein, M.D., a cardiologist at New York City's Beth Israel Medical Center, has a good guess: "There's a clear increase in the stress hormone cortisol in the morning, as well as an increased clotting tendency in the blood."
Survive it: If you have any risk factors for heart desease—diabetes, high cholesterol, a family history—try to schedule your workout for the afternoon, not the morning. Eric S. Williams, M.D., a cardiologist at the Krannert Institute of Cardiology, in Indianapolis, says that strenuous physical activity may amplify the effects of the cortisol spike and increased blood clotting. Next, if you aren't already popping a daily low-dose aspirin—81 milligrams—reconsider: Research shows that this regimen reduces the incidence of a morning heart attack by 59 percent. But skip run-of-the-mill pills and instead pick up a bottle of Bayer Low-Dose Children's Chewable Orange; they'll be easier to chew in the event of an actual attack.
Monday, 11 a.m.
Meet: Your house
Death toll: 9,440 suicides
"Blue Monday" lives up to its billing. Suicides are 10 percent higher on Monday than the weekly average, says John McIntosh, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Indiana University at South Bend. Using mortality data from the National Center for Health Statistics, McIntosh plotted daily variations in the number of DIY deaths. His finding: "Saturday is the lowest, possibly because there's a buffer from work and stress, and there's self-medication going on. Come Monday, you've gotten through the weekend thinking you'll be better, but you aren't. You have to start this all over again, and you can't take it."
Survive it: Are you depressed, and not just because your team tanked in the Sunday-night game? If the answer's yes, and you own a gun, lock it up—then throw away the key; firearms are why men are four times more likely than women to succeed at suicide. Now, see a psychiatrist about taking a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). In a new study published in the Archives of General Psychiatry, researchers said that while antidepressants called tricyclics were associated with higher suicide rates, SSRIs were linked to an overall drop. Also, make sure your multivitamin contains 400 milligrams of folic acid; U.K. researchers found that folic acid enhances the depression-fighting effect of SSRIs.
Wednesday, 6 p.m.
Meet: Happy hour
Death toll: 259,494 smokers (all men)
If you thought ditching a cellphone carrier was tough, try quitting nicotine. Each year, 35 million Americans attempt to stop smoking; only 1 million succeed. The reasons to quit are powerfully persuasive—dramatic reductions in risk of stroke, heart disease and certain cancers register within mere years—but logic is no match for tobacco's seduction. "Relapses are most likely to hit in the late afternoon and evening," says Saul Shiffman, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh's smoking research group. "The classic situation is where there are other smokers and alcohol."
Survive it: Nicotine cravings are short-lived, usually lasting three to four minutes. If you're at a bar (or a party), get through the moment by chugging a glass of water and striking up a conversation with anyone close by, even a complete stranger. "Cold water kills the urge. Talking distracts and delays, and it encourages deeper breathing, which reduces stress," says Alan Peters, M.T.T.S., lead counselor for QuitNet.com. "Try opening a conversation by saying, 'You know, I quit smoking, and right now I'm thinking of having a cigarette.'" And if the person offers you one? Imagine that you-know-who's skeletal hand is proffering the pack.
Saturday, 1:30 a.m.
Meet: Multilane roadway
Death toll: 10,397
When the Grim Reaper places an order, he clearly likes it "to go." Motor-vehicle crashes kill more men between the ages of 25 and 44 than any other accidental cause, continuing a trend that begins when guys get behind the wheel in their teenage years. And where, when and how you drive can significantly stack the odds against you. "Speeding past a bar late at night on the weekend—not a good idea," says Alan Hoskin, a statistician at the National Safety Council. In fact, 1,024 sober men were killed by drunk drivers in 2004.
Survive it: Rule of thumb: If you have to ask yourself whether you're too drunk to drive, you probably are. Need evidence of your inebriation? Consider carrying the AlcoScan AL5000 ($90, alcometer.com), a portable breath-analysis device tested and approved by the National Highway Transportation and Safety Administration.
Or let's say you're driving sober, but the guy coming the other direction isn't, and he veers into your lane. Now what? "Don't bother flashing your lights or honking. You'll only startle him," says Gordon Booth, chief instructor at DriveTrain, a driver-training company in San Jose, California. "Going into the ditch may be your best option. Hit the brakes hard and look where you want to go. Don't fixate on the other car, or you'll unconsciously steer right into him. Even if you put two wheels off the road, that may be enough to get by."
Saturday, 2 p.m.
Meet: Any body of water
Death toll: 1,001 drownings
Here's a swim event guys excel at: the dead man's float. For women, drowning doesn't even make it onto the actuarial tables, but among men ages 25 to 44, it ranks as the eighth leading cause of accidental death, claiming 2,758 victims in three recent years. Any body of water will do—even hot tubs—but we generally prefer to swim with the fishes at lakes, rivers and oceans. So why do we sink so much? After surveying 3,042 people, Boston University researchers concluded that boys and men spend more time in and under water, take greater risks and have an inflated opinion of their abilities. "A lot of males out there don't know they can't swim," says Jonathan Howland, Ph.D., the lead study author.
Survive it: Once you've ascertained that you do, in fact, know how to swim, you then need to recognize the one instance in which this knowledge will be utterly useless: in a rip current. Rip currents account for 80 percent of the rescues performed by lifeguards in Los Angeles County, says lifeguard captain Terry Yamamoto, adding that if you find yourself being swept out to sea, you should relax and float with the current until it slackens. As for the other 20 percent of rescues, he blames those on dehydration. "Cramping is your body saying it needs fluid." And in this case, the best fluid is the one that will boost your electrolytes, such as a bottle of Gatorade spiked with a quarter teaspoon of salt.
Sunday, 1 a.m.
Meet: Parking lot behind a bar
Death toll: 6,055 homicide victims
Saturday night's the night for killer parties, killer dates, and just plain getting killed. Homicide is the fifth leading cause of death among men ages 25 to 44, with business at the morgue picking up on Saturday nights between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. "Alcohol and drugs play major roles in high rates of murder on weekends, with arguments and felonies like robbery as the major circumstances," says Kevin D. Breault, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at Middle Tennessee State University. But even if you make it out of the bar or club unscathed, you still have to survive the trip to your car. "You're most likely to be mugged or shot in a parking lot," says Marc MacYoung, a crime-avoidance expert and the producer of the video Safe in the Street.
Survive it: Aside from staying ultra-alert as you approach your car, the best way to avoid peril in the parking lot is also the simplest: Spring for valet parking whenever it's offered. Dodging death is a bit more difficult inside a crowded bar, where it's easy to accidentally bump the wrong guy. Next thing you know, he's in your face, veins bulging and fists clenched. What do you do? "Apologize, and mean it. Don't insult him, don't challenge him, don't try a threat display," says MacYoung. "I'd say 999 guys out of 1,000 will accept an apology." If he's the one guy who won't, then just leave the bar. It's really hard to get shot, robbed or beaten if you're not there.
Sunday, 3 p.m.
Meet: Two-lane rural road
Death toll: 1,366 motorcyclists
If Death went retail, he'd open a motorcycle dealership. With sales figures doubling since 1998, bikes are booming—as are visits to the E.R., where staff call the brain-dead Easy Riders "donorcyclists." Fatalities among motorcycle riders and passengers spiked 12 percent in 2003, continuing an upward trend that began eight years ago. In fact, based on miles ridden, a motorcyclist is 21 times more likely to die in a crash than a guy driving a ho-hum Elantra.
Survive it: You're tooling down the road on your motorcycle when an onrushing car turns left in your path. "A lot of guys panic. They lock up the brakes and lay the bike down rather than T-bone the car," says Pat Hahn, a spokesman for the Minnesota Motorcycle Safety Center and the author of Ride Hard, Ride Smart: Ultimate Street Strategies for Advanced Motorcyclists. Bad move. Chrome and flesh slide faster than rubber, so save your skin, literally and figuratively, by staying upright. "It's almost impossible to flip a bike," says Hahn, recommending that you squeeze the front brake lever "like you're squeezing juice out of an orange." Begin soft, then squeeze progressively harder while steering in a straight line. "Your goal," he says, "is to get the speed down to buy yourself one or two seconds for the car to turn."
JOKES.... A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
JOKES.... Daybreak
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!""Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!""So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
Thursday, January 19, 2006
JOKE TIME... courtesy of Ricci of MCP
A BIG fish story
On the last day of his trip a priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean that Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, No, No!, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish." "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned that Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared that Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You mother fuckers are my kind of people!!!"
On the last day of his trip a priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean that Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, No, No!, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish." "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned that Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared that Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You mother fuckers are my kind of people!!!"
JOKE TIME... courtesy of Opaw of MCP
Become A Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. "The monks reply, "Congratulations!! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound... But I can't tell you what it is. You're not a monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. "The monks reply, "Congratulations!! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound... But I can't tell you what it is. You're not a monk
JOKE TIME... courtesy of Chinita of MCP
SI INAY
Dalawa lang silang mag-ina sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died. The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied.. Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa baba ng dibdib ng kanilang inay.
Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak) ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong pamilya.
Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito:
"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!! Pasyensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment). Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang: - dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo. - anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suot-suot ni Ninay...and lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan. - iba't ibang klaseng tsokolate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat... - anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko. - isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan. - dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate...... - walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, isa-isa na kayo, at mga pamangkin ko. - ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. - ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. - mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga pamangkin ko. Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Nagmamahal na kapatid,
Nene
Dalawa lang silang mag-ina sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died. The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied.. Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa baba ng dibdib ng kanilang inay.
Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak) ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong pamilya.
Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito:
"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!! Pasyensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment). Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang: - dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo. - anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suot-suot ni Ninay...and lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan. - iba't ibang klaseng tsokolate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat... - anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko. - isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan. - dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate...... - walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, isa-isa na kayo, at mga pamangkin ko. - ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. - ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. - mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga pamangkin ko. Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Nagmamahal na kapatid,
Nene
JOKE TIME... courtesy of Chinita of MCP
========================
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
========================
This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call....
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.
===========================
This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:
Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....
===========================
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
========================
This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call....
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.
===========================
This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:
Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....
===========================
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
No-Sweat Fitness Resolutions
by Carol Krucoff for iVillage
Small changes can add up to big benefits
If you're like many people who've vowed to "shape up," your resolve generally crumbles within weeks of your resolution. The sad fact is that despite the best intentions, half of all adults who begin a new exercise program quit within six months.
While these fitness dropouts tend to see themselves as exercise failures, the real problem is often the classic mistake of doing too much too soon. One prime example is what fitness experts call the "the January 1st" approach, when people vow to bring in the new year with weight loss: After the six-week holiday "eating season," people who've been inactive for years lace up their sneakers and work out with a vengeance. Typically these over-zealous exercisers get injured or frustrated and stop exercising. Many never start again.
This all-too-familiar "failed fitness" scenario relies on the common misconception that exercise is an "either-or" phenomenon: You either go to the gym for an hour or do nothing. But new research demonstrates that exercise isn't an all or nothing proposition and that activity need not be lengthy—or even sweaty—to have significant health benefits. In fact, it doesn't have to be "exercise" at all.
"Every step you take counts toward better health," says Andrea Dunn, director of Project Active at the Cooper Institute for Aerobics Research in Dallas. Her study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), concludes that accumulating small amounts of physical activity throughout your day can provide health benefits similar to those you'd get from a traditional gym workout.
This concept of making small lifestyle changes is increasingly being embraced by health professionals seeking to counter American's epidemic of widening waistlines. A recent editorial in the New England Journal of Medicine cites the importance of preventing further weight gain in people who have added 10 pounds by directing physicians to advise such patients "to make small but permanent adjustments in physical activity and eating patterns."
Small changes are eminently sensible, because they don't require huge chunks of time or effort but provide a realistic way for people to achieve significant health benefits. For example, deciding to walk to a colleague's office to deliver messages instead of sending an e-mail may not seem like much. But over time, sending e-mail messages to people in your office instead of walking to deliver them can result in enough extra pounds to jeopardize your health, reports Stanford University physiologist William L. Haskell.
"Consider the office worker. . . who exchanges just two minutes of slow walking around the office to deliver messages for two minutes of sitting at a computer sending e-mail each hour for eight hours per day, five days per week," says Haskell. "Over the course of a year, the reduction in energy expenditure due this change would be equivalent to 1.1 pounds of fat. Over 10 years, a positive energy balance of this magnitude could increase a person's body weight by 11 pounds."
E-mail is, of course, just one of countless devices that have made our lives more sedentary, contributing to our epidemic of obesity-related ailments. Our ancestors had to chop wood and haul water to survive, and it's becoming increasingly clear that, in our push-button world, we must find ways to move if we want to be healthy, too.
The fitness challenge of the 21st century is the necessity of continually looking for ways to be physically active. So rather than resolving to do too much—and setting yourself up for failure—why not vow to make some small, healthy changes you can stick with? Think of it as the limbo approach—how low can you go? The important factor is that you commit to these changes and make them a permanent feature of your life.
Here's a list of small, but significant steps to get you started. Pick a few, and add some of your own, to make a list of realistic fitness resolutions you can keep.
I resolve to:
Park in the farthest space in every lot.
Use the bathroom on another floor and take the stairs to get there.
Make the active choice whenever I'm faced with the decision between moving and standing still. For example, if I come upon a stairway next to an escalator, I'll take the stairs.
Avoid drive-throughs. At the bank, cleaners or restaurant, I'll park and walk in.
Socialize actively. Instead of sitting and talking with friends and family, I'll walk and talk whenever possible.
Use muscles, not machines. For example, I'll wash and wax my car by hand, use a rake instead of a leaf blower, get up and change the channel rather than using the remote control.
Do five minutes of calisthenics every morning.
Take my dog on a walk every day. (If you don't have one, walk your "inner dog".)
Not let the sun go down without doing some physical activity that I enjoy (for example, shooting hoops, dancing, hitting golf balls, walking) for at least 10 minutes.
Once you decide on your "small change" resolutions, put them in writing. As the Chinese proverb states: "The palest ink is better than the best memory." Have a supportive friend sign as a witness. When you complete one month of sticking to your moving vows, reward your triumph with a healthy indulgence like a massage or fresh flowers.
Build on these small changes over time, with the goal of eventually accumulating 30 minutes of physical activity most days of the week. Just as nickels and dimes can accumulate over time to significant sums, small change in your daily activities can add up to important health benefits such as preventing weight gain and helping to regulate blood pressure, blood sugar and blood cholesterol.
And remember, the people most likely to meet their fitness goals start from the inside out: They don't make the changes for a spouse or for a doctor, but for themselves.
Small changes can add up to big benefits
If you're like many people who've vowed to "shape up," your resolve generally crumbles within weeks of your resolution. The sad fact is that despite the best intentions, half of all adults who begin a new exercise program quit within six months.
While these fitness dropouts tend to see themselves as exercise failures, the real problem is often the classic mistake of doing too much too soon. One prime example is what fitness experts call the "the January 1st" approach, when people vow to bring in the new year with weight loss: After the six-week holiday "eating season," people who've been inactive for years lace up their sneakers and work out with a vengeance. Typically these over-zealous exercisers get injured or frustrated and stop exercising. Many never start again.
This all-too-familiar "failed fitness" scenario relies on the common misconception that exercise is an "either-or" phenomenon: You either go to the gym for an hour or do nothing. But new research demonstrates that exercise isn't an all or nothing proposition and that activity need not be lengthy—or even sweaty—to have significant health benefits. In fact, it doesn't have to be "exercise" at all.
"Every step you take counts toward better health," says Andrea Dunn, director of Project Active at the Cooper Institute for Aerobics Research in Dallas. Her study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), concludes that accumulating small amounts of physical activity throughout your day can provide health benefits similar to those you'd get from a traditional gym workout.
This concept of making small lifestyle changes is increasingly being embraced by health professionals seeking to counter American's epidemic of widening waistlines. A recent editorial in the New England Journal of Medicine cites the importance of preventing further weight gain in people who have added 10 pounds by directing physicians to advise such patients "to make small but permanent adjustments in physical activity and eating patterns."
Small changes are eminently sensible, because they don't require huge chunks of time or effort but provide a realistic way for people to achieve significant health benefits. For example, deciding to walk to a colleague's office to deliver messages instead of sending an e-mail may not seem like much. But over time, sending e-mail messages to people in your office instead of walking to deliver them can result in enough extra pounds to jeopardize your health, reports Stanford University physiologist William L. Haskell.
"Consider the office worker. . . who exchanges just two minutes of slow walking around the office to deliver messages for two minutes of sitting at a computer sending e-mail each hour for eight hours per day, five days per week," says Haskell. "Over the course of a year, the reduction in energy expenditure due this change would be equivalent to 1.1 pounds of fat. Over 10 years, a positive energy balance of this magnitude could increase a person's body weight by 11 pounds."
E-mail is, of course, just one of countless devices that have made our lives more sedentary, contributing to our epidemic of obesity-related ailments. Our ancestors had to chop wood and haul water to survive, and it's becoming increasingly clear that, in our push-button world, we must find ways to move if we want to be healthy, too.
The fitness challenge of the 21st century is the necessity of continually looking for ways to be physically active. So rather than resolving to do too much—and setting yourself up for failure—why not vow to make some small, healthy changes you can stick with? Think of it as the limbo approach—how low can you go? The important factor is that you commit to these changes and make them a permanent feature of your life.
Here's a list of small, but significant steps to get you started. Pick a few, and add some of your own, to make a list of realistic fitness resolutions you can keep.
I resolve to:
Park in the farthest space in every lot.
Use the bathroom on another floor and take the stairs to get there.
Make the active choice whenever I'm faced with the decision between moving and standing still. For example, if I come upon a stairway next to an escalator, I'll take the stairs.
Avoid drive-throughs. At the bank, cleaners or restaurant, I'll park and walk in.
Socialize actively. Instead of sitting and talking with friends and family, I'll walk and talk whenever possible.
Use muscles, not machines. For example, I'll wash and wax my car by hand, use a rake instead of a leaf blower, get up and change the channel rather than using the remote control.
Do five minutes of calisthenics every morning.
Take my dog on a walk every day. (If you don't have one, walk your "inner dog".)
Not let the sun go down without doing some physical activity that I enjoy (for example, shooting hoops, dancing, hitting golf balls, walking) for at least 10 minutes.
Once you decide on your "small change" resolutions, put them in writing. As the Chinese proverb states: "The palest ink is better than the best memory." Have a supportive friend sign as a witness. When you complete one month of sticking to your moving vows, reward your triumph with a healthy indulgence like a massage or fresh flowers.
Build on these small changes over time, with the goal of eventually accumulating 30 minutes of physical activity most days of the week. Just as nickels and dimes can accumulate over time to significant sums, small change in your daily activities can add up to important health benefits such as preventing weight gain and helping to regulate blood pressure, blood sugar and blood cholesterol.
And remember, the people most likely to meet their fitness goals start from the inside out: They don't make the changes for a spouse or for a doctor, but for themselves.
SinuloG DaY - 03
can't stop dancin' when reggae music's playin....
whose this girl smilin' at??
beach rooters....
Monday, January 16, 2006
SinuloG DaY - 02
neil messing around with a nice chix... how dare you, boy???
kevin's
neil and robert...
neil and momma
15 Ways to Think More Clearly
Provided by iVillage
How many times have you felt your brain just shut off? And why does it usually happen just before a memo is due to the boss and you're staring at a blank piece of paper? According to James Thorton, author of The Brain Yields Its Secrets and Chore Wars: How Households Can Share the Work and Keep the Peace, it isn't that we lose intelligence as we age. It's just that we need to improve our cognitive performance. So take a breather, and check out Thornton's 15 suggestions for thinking better and stirring up our creative juices:
1. Time it right. Most older people think more clearly in the morning; most younger people, in the afternoon. Figure out your own best "thinking time" and reserve it for your most challenging brain work.
2. Get a good education -- but don't overdo it. Psychologist Dean Keith Simonton says schooling has a positive impact on creativity up through the final year of college. Then the progressively narrow focus of graduate school actually detracts from creativity. "You don't become a great novelist by getting a Ph.D. in creative writing."
3. Listen to Confucius. The number one "memory aid" used by memory researchers themselves: Write it down. As the Chinese proverb puts it, the weakest ink lasts longer than the strongest memory.
4. Go for the high octane. Research shows that the amount of caffeine in a cup of coffee actually can help you concentrate. But if you're prone to anxiety, you're probably better off not jazzing up your brain with a jolt of java.
5. Anchor new memories to established ones. "Think of your existing memory as a scaffold upon which to fit new information," says University of Michigan cognitive researcher Denise Park, Ph.D. "Don't isolate new information out in left field. Always relate it to something."
6. Practice, practice, practice. Learning and repeatedly practicing new skills appears to change the brain's internal organization. A study showed that periodic training sessions helped volunteers in their 70s do better on cognitive and memory skills than they had when they were seven years younger. "Practice really helps," says Len Giambra, Ph.D., an emeritus psychologist at the National Institute on Aging. "A well-practiced older individual many times will be faster than an unpracticed younger individual."
7. Give your ideas a chance. Many of us are rewarded for our abilities to quickly evaluate facts and make a quick "go or no-go" decision. Creativity demands a much more leisurely and playful approach -- a willingness to give "absurd" ideas their due.
8. Pick an intellectual profession and a smart mate. Intriguing studies from Poland suggest that people whose careers demand an exercise of intellect are more likely to sustain high levels of cognition in their lives. And marrying someone smart may provide you with ongoing stimulation.
9. Expose yourself to multiple experiences. Creativity often boils down to the ability to adapt solutions from one domain to another. Velcro for instance, was inspired by burrs that stick to your clothing. The "pull-tab" top on aluminum cans was originally patterned after a banana's peel.
10. Learn from Leonardo. In his new book, How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci, author Michael Gelb offers several brain-enriching strategies that worked for the ultimate Renaissance Man. Among them: learning to juggle and drawing with your opposite hand.
11. Pay attention. Do you sometimes find yourself "forgetting" a person's name seconds after meeting her? The problem isn't memory; it's concentration. As we age, we must consciously remind ourselves to put information into our memory banks.
12. Listen to Mozart. An experimental psychologist has found evidence supporting the "Mozart Effect" -- that is, a brain exposed to Wolfgang's music grows more complex connections. This allows faster, integrated access to more information.
13. Exercise the body to improve the mind. An increasing cadre of researchers now believe aerobic workouts can increase everything from school performance to nerve conduction velocity. Suspected mechanisms: increased oxygen and nutrient supplied to the brain, plus a boost in natural compounds called neurotrophins, which promote brain cell growth. Some studies show mixed results. But exercise has so many other benefits that it definitely makes sense to do it.
14. Try something new. Near the end of his life, Impressionist painter Henri Matisse revitalized his art by exchanging brushes for scissors, which he used to create a series of brilliant paper cutouts. Such experimentation appears to be the hallmark of successful creativity, says psychologist Dean Keith Simonton, Ph.D., editor of the Journal of Creative Behavior. In a study that compared creative people who burn out with those who continue to create, he says, the chief difference was that the latter were constantly exposing themselves to new knowledge, in the process giving themselves a fresh start.
15. End distractions. If you're bombarded with irrelevant stimuli, it's hard to focus. When you absolutely must do something (complete a report, for instance), try renting a motel room where you can unplug the phone and concentrate.
And don't forget to follow your passion! Recently a Dutch psychologist tried to figure out what separated chess masters from chess grand masters. He subjected groups of each to a battery of tests -- IQ, memory, spatial reasoning. He found no testing difference between them. The only difference: Grand masters simply loved chess more. They had more passion and commitment to it. Passion may be the key to creativity.
How many times have you felt your brain just shut off? And why does it usually happen just before a memo is due to the boss and you're staring at a blank piece of paper? According to James Thorton, author of The Brain Yields Its Secrets and Chore Wars: How Households Can Share the Work and Keep the Peace, it isn't that we lose intelligence as we age. It's just that we need to improve our cognitive performance. So take a breather, and check out Thornton's 15 suggestions for thinking better and stirring up our creative juices:
1. Time it right. Most older people think more clearly in the morning; most younger people, in the afternoon. Figure out your own best "thinking time" and reserve it for your most challenging brain work.
2. Get a good education -- but don't overdo it. Psychologist Dean Keith Simonton says schooling has a positive impact on creativity up through the final year of college. Then the progressively narrow focus of graduate school actually detracts from creativity. "You don't become a great novelist by getting a Ph.D. in creative writing."
3. Listen to Confucius. The number one "memory aid" used by memory researchers themselves: Write it down. As the Chinese proverb puts it, the weakest ink lasts longer than the strongest memory.
4. Go for the high octane. Research shows that the amount of caffeine in a cup of coffee actually can help you concentrate. But if you're prone to anxiety, you're probably better off not jazzing up your brain with a jolt of java.
5. Anchor new memories to established ones. "Think of your existing memory as a scaffold upon which to fit new information," says University of Michigan cognitive researcher Denise Park, Ph.D. "Don't isolate new information out in left field. Always relate it to something."
6. Practice, practice, practice. Learning and repeatedly practicing new skills appears to change the brain's internal organization. A study showed that periodic training sessions helped volunteers in their 70s do better on cognitive and memory skills than they had when they were seven years younger. "Practice really helps," says Len Giambra, Ph.D., an emeritus psychologist at the National Institute on Aging. "A well-practiced older individual many times will be faster than an unpracticed younger individual."
7. Give your ideas a chance. Many of us are rewarded for our abilities to quickly evaluate facts and make a quick "go or no-go" decision. Creativity demands a much more leisurely and playful approach -- a willingness to give "absurd" ideas their due.
8. Pick an intellectual profession and a smart mate. Intriguing studies from Poland suggest that people whose careers demand an exercise of intellect are more likely to sustain high levels of cognition in their lives. And marrying someone smart may provide you with ongoing stimulation.
9. Expose yourself to multiple experiences. Creativity often boils down to the ability to adapt solutions from one domain to another. Velcro for instance, was inspired by burrs that stick to your clothing. The "pull-tab" top on aluminum cans was originally patterned after a banana's peel.
10. Learn from Leonardo. In his new book, How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci, author Michael Gelb offers several brain-enriching strategies that worked for the ultimate Renaissance Man. Among them: learning to juggle and drawing with your opposite hand.
11. Pay attention. Do you sometimes find yourself "forgetting" a person's name seconds after meeting her? The problem isn't memory; it's concentration. As we age, we must consciously remind ourselves to put information into our memory banks.
12. Listen to Mozart. An experimental psychologist has found evidence supporting the "Mozart Effect" -- that is, a brain exposed to Wolfgang's music grows more complex connections. This allows faster, integrated access to more information.
13. Exercise the body to improve the mind. An increasing cadre of researchers now believe aerobic workouts can increase everything from school performance to nerve conduction velocity. Suspected mechanisms: increased oxygen and nutrient supplied to the brain, plus a boost in natural compounds called neurotrophins, which promote brain cell growth. Some studies show mixed results. But exercise has so many other benefits that it definitely makes sense to do it.
14. Try something new. Near the end of his life, Impressionist painter Henri Matisse revitalized his art by exchanging brushes for scissors, which he used to create a series of brilliant paper cutouts. Such experimentation appears to be the hallmark of successful creativity, says psychologist Dean Keith Simonton, Ph.D., editor of the Journal of Creative Behavior. In a study that compared creative people who burn out with those who continue to create, he says, the chief difference was that the latter were constantly exposing themselves to new knowledge, in the process giving themselves a fresh start.
15. End distractions. If you're bombarded with irrelevant stimuli, it's hard to focus. When you absolutely must do something (complete a report, for instance), try renting a motel room where you can unplug the phone and concentrate.
And don't forget to follow your passion! Recently a Dutch psychologist tried to figure out what separated chess masters from chess grand masters. He subjected groups of each to a battery of tests -- IQ, memory, spatial reasoning. He found no testing difference between them. The only difference: Grand masters simply loved chess more. They had more passion and commitment to it. Passion may be the key to creativity.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Coffee and Caffeine
by Rich Maloof
Refill, anyone? Here are a few freshly brewed notes on coffee and caffeine, the most widely used stimulant in the world.
Caffeine aids short-term memory.
Researchers have demonstrated that short-term memory skills and reaction times are heightened after consuming caffeine. While this might not come as news to anyone who uses coffee to clear the fog of sleep, it had not been scientifically proven before the announcement in November 2005. The researchers from the Radiological Society of North America were also fascinated to see, on a functional MRI test, that coffee drinkers showed increased activity in the parts of the brain that control working memory and attention.
Coffee is not addictive.
Coffee can be habit-forming but has not been proven truly addictive. The painful symptoms of caffeine withdrawal, however, are quite real. Even people whose sole caffeine hit is a daily 12-ounce cup of joe in the morning report headaches if they stop. Withdrawal symptoms can range from a mild headache, irritability and drowsiness to muscle aches, vomiting, blurred vision and even low-level depression. Nonetheless, anyone who tries hard enough can quit.
Caffeine works remarkably fast, with its effects felt within five minutes.
Like few other foods or drugs, caffeine is immediately absorbed through the stomach and intestines. Seconds after coffee hits the stomach, caffeine permeates the digestive tract’s soft lining and spreads throughout the body via the bloodstream. It’s fat soluble, it’s water soluble, it’s able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Caffeine even crosses the blood-brain barrier, which is otherwise nearly impervious to molecular invasion. Once caffeine storms the castle walls of the brain, the drug sets loose the full potential of its stimulating effects.
Coffee helps you breathe better.
One biological response to caffeine is that it opens up the oxygen-seeking bronchia in the lungs. This pans out well for smoking coffee drinkers since it provides them with oxygen they would otherwise strangle with cigarettes.
Coffee has been linked to osteoporosis.
Caffeine gets a footnote in the study of osteoporosis, a disease that makes bones weak and brittle. Ingesting caffeine promotes the excretion of calcium (in urine), which, as every school kid knows, keeps bones strong. While not considered a cause of the infirmity, coffee does in this way contribute to the disease. People who are believed to be at risk for osteoporosis and choose to drink coffee can offset the calcium depletion with a daily glass of milk.
Refill, anyone? Here are a few freshly brewed notes on coffee and caffeine, the most widely used stimulant in the world.
Caffeine aids short-term memory.
Researchers have demonstrated that short-term memory skills and reaction times are heightened after consuming caffeine. While this might not come as news to anyone who uses coffee to clear the fog of sleep, it had not been scientifically proven before the announcement in November 2005. The researchers from the Radiological Society of North America were also fascinated to see, on a functional MRI test, that coffee drinkers showed increased activity in the parts of the brain that control working memory and attention.
Coffee is not addictive.
Coffee can be habit-forming but has not been proven truly addictive. The painful symptoms of caffeine withdrawal, however, are quite real. Even people whose sole caffeine hit is a daily 12-ounce cup of joe in the morning report headaches if they stop. Withdrawal symptoms can range from a mild headache, irritability and drowsiness to muscle aches, vomiting, blurred vision and even low-level depression. Nonetheless, anyone who tries hard enough can quit.
Caffeine works remarkably fast, with its effects felt within five minutes.
Like few other foods or drugs, caffeine is immediately absorbed through the stomach and intestines. Seconds after coffee hits the stomach, caffeine permeates the digestive tract’s soft lining and spreads throughout the body via the bloodstream. It’s fat soluble, it’s water soluble, it’s able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Caffeine even crosses the blood-brain barrier, which is otherwise nearly impervious to molecular invasion. Once caffeine storms the castle walls of the brain, the drug sets loose the full potential of its stimulating effects.
Coffee helps you breathe better.
One biological response to caffeine is that it opens up the oxygen-seeking bronchia in the lungs. This pans out well for smoking coffee drinkers since it provides them with oxygen they would otherwise strangle with cigarettes.
Coffee has been linked to osteoporosis.
Caffeine gets a footnote in the study of osteoporosis, a disease that makes bones weak and brittle. Ingesting caffeine promotes the excretion of calcium (in urine), which, as every school kid knows, keeps bones strong. While not considered a cause of the infirmity, coffee does in this way contribute to the disease. People who are believed to be at risk for osteoporosis and choose to drink coffee can offset the calcium depletion with a daily glass of milk.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
How to end a date—quickly
By Bob Strauss
When I was a kid, I was fascinated by the concept of the “ejection seat,” that big, red button in the cockpit of a fighter plane that, when pressed, squirted out the pilot like a watermelon seed, whereupon he parachuted down behind enemy lines and snuck his way back to friendly territory. Much later I found out that ejection seats killed as many pilots as they saved (especially if the plane’s roof didn’t open in time), but it always struck me how useful that big red button would be in other situations: Job evaluations, dentist appointments, and, yes, bad dates.
The fact is, no matter how long you’ve corresponded online, how many three-hour phone calls you’ve had, or how dear the friend who set you up may be, there are still times when you meet your swain for drinks or dinner and you know, instantly, that there is No Way things are going to work out. How do you eject yourself from the situation with your dignity, and your date’s feelings, intact? As tempting as it is to be brutally honest (“I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we have anything in common”), few folks have the courage to deliver this line at the beginning of a date—and I certainly never have. At the other extreme, begging off drinks because of a sudden recurrence of Dengue Fever (or activating the ringer on your cell phone and pretending your mom is in the hospital) is just bad karma. Here are some less stressful strategies:
Make a preemptive strike. Don’t plan an evening-long date; instead, meet up in a way that allows you to easily slip away after, say, 30 minutes if things aren’t going swimmingly. This is especially true when you have early doubts about how well the date will go. Even an inexperienced dater should be able to sense possible disaster in the making (a profile’s fuzzy picture taken at a weird angle or significant lapses in phone conversations). If you listen closely to that small voice deep inside you, you’ll know whether to block out a lengthy meal at a fancy French restaurant or a 20-minute flyby (sitting down optional) at your local coffee joint. The odds are that the other person will feel the exact same way and will be grateful not to waste an entire evening on a dubious prospect.
Stage a caper. I’m ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I don’t follow my own advice and persist in arranging a “date” date with a mysterious prospect who had an engaging (but reserved) online profile. The last time I did this, though, I had a plan B: I met my date at a bar where I knew a female friend would also be on a potentially-disastrous rendezvous and we arranged to “accidentally” run into each other at the first sign of trouble. (Typically, my date quickly grew bored and left, while hers persisted in mooning after her and asking me, drunkenly, “So, do you think Natalie likes me?”)
Know your boundaries. As convenient as it is to blame a disastrous date on the other person, it’s also unfair; most of the time it’s simply a matter of incompatibility (as in, “I have a sense of humor and she doesn’t”). In these cases, you really don’t have any choice but to grit your teeth and stick it out to the bitter end. The only things that entitle you to end a date before it starts are active deception (say, a guy being 20 years older than he says in his profile) and undisguised hostility, like the woman who responded to my inquiry about what kind of books she liked to read by declaring, loudly, “Well, I guess if I’m going to start dating again I should learn to answer questions like that.”
If there was a big, red button at hand, I would have pressed it right away—only it would have sent her chair flying out of the restaurant, not mine.
When I was a kid, I was fascinated by the concept of the “ejection seat,” that big, red button in the cockpit of a fighter plane that, when pressed, squirted out the pilot like a watermelon seed, whereupon he parachuted down behind enemy lines and snuck his way back to friendly territory. Much later I found out that ejection seats killed as many pilots as they saved (especially if the plane’s roof didn’t open in time), but it always struck me how useful that big red button would be in other situations: Job evaluations, dentist appointments, and, yes, bad dates.
The fact is, no matter how long you’ve corresponded online, how many three-hour phone calls you’ve had, or how dear the friend who set you up may be, there are still times when you meet your swain for drinks or dinner and you know, instantly, that there is No Way things are going to work out. How do you eject yourself from the situation with your dignity, and your date’s feelings, intact? As tempting as it is to be brutally honest (“I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we have anything in common”), few folks have the courage to deliver this line at the beginning of a date—and I certainly never have. At the other extreme, begging off drinks because of a sudden recurrence of Dengue Fever (or activating the ringer on your cell phone and pretending your mom is in the hospital) is just bad karma. Here are some less stressful strategies:
Make a preemptive strike. Don’t plan an evening-long date; instead, meet up in a way that allows you to easily slip away after, say, 30 minutes if things aren’t going swimmingly. This is especially true when you have early doubts about how well the date will go. Even an inexperienced dater should be able to sense possible disaster in the making (a profile’s fuzzy picture taken at a weird angle or significant lapses in phone conversations). If you listen closely to that small voice deep inside you, you’ll know whether to block out a lengthy meal at a fancy French restaurant or a 20-minute flyby (sitting down optional) at your local coffee joint. The odds are that the other person will feel the exact same way and will be grateful not to waste an entire evening on a dubious prospect.
Stage a caper. I’m ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I don’t follow my own advice and persist in arranging a “date” date with a mysterious prospect who had an engaging (but reserved) online profile. The last time I did this, though, I had a plan B: I met my date at a bar where I knew a female friend would also be on a potentially-disastrous rendezvous and we arranged to “accidentally” run into each other at the first sign of trouble. (Typically, my date quickly grew bored and left, while hers persisted in mooning after her and asking me, drunkenly, “So, do you think Natalie likes me?”)
Know your boundaries. As convenient as it is to blame a disastrous date on the other person, it’s also unfair; most of the time it’s simply a matter of incompatibility (as in, “I have a sense of humor and she doesn’t”). In these cases, you really don’t have any choice but to grit your teeth and stick it out to the bitter end. The only things that entitle you to end a date before it starts are active deception (say, a guy being 20 years older than he says in his profile) and undisguised hostility, like the woman who responded to my inquiry about what kind of books she liked to read by declaring, loudly, “Well, I guess if I’m going to start dating again I should learn to answer questions like that.”
If there was a big, red button at hand, I would have pressed it right away—only it would have sent her chair flying out of the restaurant, not mine.
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Joke of the month and a true story... FHM
Hi Ho Tonto Away!
An attractive woman was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles!"
Active Studes Work On Extra-curriculars My boyfriend and I always go home together after class. One afternoon, it was raining so hard that we were forced to stay inside the campus. As we were looking for a place to sit and wait for the rain to let up, my boyfriend suddenly heated up and began whispering sexy, nasty things to me. I didn't give in to his teasing at first but as he went on, I began to get wet just by the thought of what he could do to me then. Sensing I was getting worked up myself, he put me out on a dare: "Let's do it in one of the classrooms!" I freaked out at first thinking that someone might catch us (and thus we could be expelled!) but the sheer thrill of it caused knots in my stomach—I wanted to do it! I couldn't contain the feeling of anticipation anymore so I dragged him up the stairs to one of the rooms on the top floor (which by then was desolate). And we did it! Our clothes flew off in a split second, and we got on with it in a standing position. It was so intense! After a moment, we reached climax and—boy!—my baby's pimp juice flew out like a dashing rocket!! We got dressed immediately and acted as though nothing happened at all.
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