Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
only last december '05 christmas party did he brag about his connection and how much money he made in a week... his wallet overflowed with grands, dude.
now, he's telling us he's broke. he's got a lot of CA to bmw and a lot of our customers there are callling him(he's not answering), the dealership, and me, where the heck are their documents and that "thing" they ordered... blah, blah, blah....???!!!
i have taken over his work and i'm starting to feel the heat, bro. you can just imagine my life before i entered the picture. it wasn't great but it was cool...
today, and i don't know for how long, it'll be purgatory(if that place ever exist and hell's too much)...
it was cool hanging out at beach roots after all that... forget all of the above... had a little cheap thrill... chit-chat with louie, earl and jon... people watch... can't worry too much, life's short...
so, today is one stressful day... so many problems popping-up one after another that i could hardly think which one to do first... my work's starting to SUCK!!
i just came from bmw and realized that the guy i replaced there left me with so many sh!tload of problems! not to mention that i also have to deal with my work here at ford... and just the same, HUGE things needs to be done...
sigh.... stress could really get you tired... i could use a beer... no, lots of beer... wipe my sh!tty situation away....
tonight, i have to go to the house of that shmuck, together with dennis(the resident evil of bmw-just a joke bro), who left me with piles of problem to deal with and hope to kick his ass away.... the shmuck, of course...
meanwhile, have to go now, meet dennis. (he's been all over me today, hope he buys me a drink after we kick ass...)
wish me luck....
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
And I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch I sat... naked.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work as well.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS -- IN YOUR CAR.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
what's with the look?? you wanna go home already? i'm really, really tired today!! tomorrow? let me think about it.... that is not a horse! ....and why aren't you wearing appropriate biking gears, woman? i like your shades and that nice, little bracelet though... just watchin' them make me go......aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
Advice on Love By Lynn Harris
I never thought falling in love could be so hard. Things with women have been easy until now, but that’s because I was never truly in love. But with my new girlfriend, everything is different. She is everything I ever wanted; I have no desire to be with anyone else, ever. She says I’m the best guy she’s ever met and that I’m sexy and smart—no one has ever said those words to me (especially the “smart” part). I love her so much that when I think about it I start getting teary and my breathing gets labored.
Here’s the problem: She wants to go slow because she’s been hurt before — she’s in the middle of a divorce — and I’m fine with that as long as I know she’s not interested in dating anyone else. (She has mentioned that she isn’t.) But she wants to “just date” until her divorce is final, and that bothers me because there’s still that chance that they could get back together (though she says it would take a “miracle”). They’re actually still friends; they talk every day, and she’s still supporting him. She has said the words, "I care for you so much" and "I care for you deeply" and “You are wonderful," but never "I love you.” I have said the words, "I care for you so much," meaning "I love you." It hurts so much that I’m not sure where her heart is with me. I’m so in love with her that I’m depressed, if that makes any sense. She is in therapy about why she is afraid to have a relationship. How am I supposed to deal with this?-D.
It isn’t always this hard, I promise. Because it’s not love itself that’s this hard; right now, it’s the timing. As in: She is going through a divorce. Being in that situation — even an amicable one — can make a gal (or guy) glom onto someone else (“You’re not my ex! You are so great!”) at the very same time that it makes her pull away (“Last time I got close to someone, I got burned”). And meanwhile, you’re standing there — in a completely different, uncomplicated place — with your arms and heart open, wondering what gives. Of course you feel threatened and insecure. You’re ready for more; she’s not. You want her to be 100% available; she’s not. You’re ready to say “I love you;” she’s not. Her ex isn’t supporting himself; she is. That’s all legitimately harrowing. But it’s something she’s got to work out at her own pace. You want her to see and feel things as simply and clearly as you do, but alas, you can’t make her do anything. So the question — as I believe you suspect — is not about getting her to come around; it’s about getting yourself through this. The trick, I think, will be to do everything in your power — and it won’t be easy — to enjoy the moment with her. When you’re together, focus on what you love about her — her voice, her strong opinions, that adorably crooked tooth — and what you’re enjoying right then: A meal, a conversation, peaceful silence, a kiss. Listen to what she is saying — “You’re wonderful!” “I care for you deeply!” — and not to what else you’re hoping she’ll say. When thoughts of her ex or the future interfere, drag your brain back to the moment. She is giving you everything she can right now; your job is to be right there with her, in the right now. Still, you are entitled to share with her your hopes for this relationship. (“Share with her,” not “constantly remind her of.”) If it starts to drag out forever (and divorces can!), you’re entitled — if you can manage — to put some distance between you two. Unappealing as that may sound, waiting in the wings for someone can be easier than waiting in the same room. And it’s not like letting her out of your sight means you’ll lose her; you don’t have to maintain a constant vigil. Giving her space to breathe may also give her space to love. And finally, though this may sound like dorky advice, I want you to make sure you’ve got other stuff going on in your life besides this relationship. Other friends, “hobbies,” whatever. Get your friends to make sure they invite you places instead of assuming you’re busy. Catch up on those books you meant to read, places you wanted to see, projects you meant to start. Why? Because otherwise pining can become a full-time job—and one that doesn’t pay very well. But I think you can go from “depressed” to patient and hopeful if you focus on you, your world, and what’s good about it — including, but not limited to the woman in your life — right now.