{for lack of better things to post... dug this somewhere.. here goes nothing!}
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and
diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get
your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A
properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it,
some kid at school told you girls love this. Well,
there's a difference between being erotic and
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the
candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a
porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs.
When she turns her head from side to side, it's not
passion, its avoidance. (although personally,
i like that feelin, it kinda tickles)
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like
a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when
they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and
soothe them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten
onto a woman's nipples, and then clamp down like
they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up
to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking
your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that
thing where you twiddle the nipples between
fingers and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts,
not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER
BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three
turnoffs: BreastVille, East and West, and the
Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body
which you've ignored far too often as you go
bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start
paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor
manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result
in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going
to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the
damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom
disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it,
you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure
is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers
along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike
men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop,
they plummet back to square one very fast. If you
can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs,
numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women
hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when
naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her
head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a
kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING
FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up
between her thighs and yanking it back and forth
is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without
maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a
chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not
careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's
best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the
exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a
finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're
attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing
massage to get her in the mood. Hands and
fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force
the issue by stripping before she's at least made
some move toward getting your stuff off, even if
it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in
socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the
socks first!
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the
penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do is pump away like an industrial power tool -
she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made
obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great
triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With
reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to
ensure her pleasure too. (i absolutely agree on this)
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may
appear to you that humping for an hour without
climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's
more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least
buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has
something to hold her interest while you're playing
Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really
ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise.
But if you really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get
your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in
doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that
it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All
women hate this. It's about three steps from being
dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to
her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU
CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with
egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's
performing oral sex, warn her before you come so
she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio.
You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN
MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love
it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just
means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there
grunting while she does all the hard work is not.
Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite
so much like the captain of a schooner. And let
her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND
PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is
how men earn a reputation for not being able to
follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her
first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can
I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on
her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off.
Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a
no-no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT
HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy
as a belching contest.
33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she
wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but
unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too
ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this
carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men
because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to
exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to
have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for
weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout
encouragement like a coach with a megaphone.
It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a
lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she
likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You
have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get
it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh
more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're
a fuckin' slob. And you're lucky to have that
goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with
BOTH words and actions.
