it's kinda creepy how a number of people had been killing themselves lately.. alarming, to say the least!
the past few weeks, there'd been like a LOT. one killed himself in front of his girlfriend, another took a dive a from the bridge (but lived anyway), a guy stabs his live-in partner before he went to try to kill himself.. both of which he failed miserably to do it all the way.. to top it all, a former defense secretary and armed forces chief of staff shoot himself right on his heart.. cos he can't take the "heat" anymore?!?
and there's plenty of the same i've read or heard that i've lost count of.
some says this folks are pussies.. cos they can't stand the pressure.. i'd say they're quite brave, but in a wrong way!
they're brave enough to shoot their brains out or slit their throats or jump off the bridge.. they could of use that trait and turn it into something positive.
well, some just couldn't handle too much and we're never really at their shoes, to begin with.
i had a HUGE problem last year and you know what i did? i binge on alcohol to sorta get by.
in a way, i kinda made it worst.. cos instead of manning-up and face the problem squarely, i went and took comfort of knowing i could forget my problems and feel "high" temporarily..
but i never thought of killing myself then.. even now when my spouse is caught in a gambling frenzy.. yep, that's what she got herself into.
she just loves to play cards..
worst, she's now ten times more of a party girl and outgoing when we're supposed to be more responsible now with the addition of our "instant" little girl, Angel.
i would understand if she'd go out, have fun, stay out late and enjoy a little "me" time once, twice a week.. but man, she's out there more than that.
so, that's why i'm tired of her.
i'm tired of arguing and fighting... it's a waste of time.
but i'm not gonna kill myself over that... or for her, fact of the matter .
i have more reason to live now... more than ever.
***
next week, is the final leg of our little contest.
i don't supposed i'd win it handily.. but i definitely put up a good fight. i'm pretty confident to be in the top three... we'll see..
last week i over-trained. often, on a daily basis.. after doing weights i'd go cardio for over an hour, mostly.
there was one time i felt like i was gonna have a fever.. ya know, i'm on a calorie deficit diet and doing more work, the body can only take so much.. either it super-compensates or do the nasty - get sick!
my legs (calves, hamstrings, quads, etc) are pretty burned out. at times i lost my bearings while walking around.. the treadmill had become my best bud instead of my usual poison.
i haven't drink much.. guess it's possible for me to be sober for weeks.. i don't crave on alcohol anymore.. whilst before, i usually have a stock-pile of that cheap vodka or brandy.. which is really convenient, now my "war room" don't have traces of them empty bottles. hah!
yesterday, i had a funny experience at this massage joint.
i knew they just opened weeks ago and as my hunch would have it, most masseuse/masseur aren't "seasoned" enough to handle guys like me.
so, to make this long ordeal short, went in and requested a "hard" massage which is a standard for me.
the moment this lady laid her hands on me, i knew she isn't in-the-know.
her fingers kept slipping away and she put too much oil.. OK, i got no problem with that.. at the back of my mind, what i really needed at that moment was to have a place to crash coz after yet another bone-smashing-muscle-whacking workout, i could use some forty winks.
anyway, she whispered "that's the hardest i can do, sir, sorry.." so i go, "it's OK."
when it was my back's turn, that's when she had the hardest time i can tell... her sweat is now in the mix of the oil she rubbed my back with.. i can feel her sweat dripping off my back!
then she goes again "this is the first time i've massaged a back as hard as yours!"
even though i'm disappointed that she's inexperienced, i was happy anyhow as i was able to re-charge my batteries just lying there.. "guess you'd ask for a masseur next time around, right sir?" she whispered. "no, i'll request for you again." i jokingly replied.
then came a light bulb flashing up my brains... if i'll tell you, i'll have to kill you!
anyway, long post for the weekend.. tomorrow and the days to come, it's time to grind again.
out.
